HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT BUT NOT LONELY

 

Becky’s thrive on being three things: sassy, independent and positive.

But what happens when it’s 9pm on a Friday evening, your f*ck him playlist just isn’t working, and your large glass of vino is feeling more like a hinderance than a help? And even though you’re screaming Little Mix lyrics at the top of your lungs, and you’re surrounded by your girls trying to help you get that perfect revenge Insta, you can’t help but feel completely, and utterly… alone. 

From my experience, if you say you’re lonely at your family party, your mother will only laugh in your face and be the first to remind you of your hundreds of Facebook friends, Instagram likes and the constant ‘pinging’ of your WhatsApp group chats. You’re not lonely at all. You don’t live at alone, with 10 cats and have your only joy being Loose Women-no. You’re always with your friends, always out and always in contact. And well, isn’t that just the problem? Because now it feels almost ignorant to say your lonely in the 21st century. But here you still are, sitting on your bed in your room, alone, and feeling so inherently empty, broken… and lonely. 

And when something feels embarrassing, when you feel like something you shouldn’t- it doesn’t get talked about. It doesn’t get addressed. And possibly the only thing worse than the sickening feeling of being alone, is being alone and knowing that there is literally no one else who can talk about it with you. 

The balance between being independent and feeling alone shouldn’t be hard to find. However, you’re talking with a Becky who finds the word ‘balance’ to be incomprehensible and is yet to find any form of it in her own life. But I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. 

Independence is about focusing on your own self, and pushing yourself to conquer fears and pursue dreams on your own, without a reliance on another person. And this, this is a great thing. Independence is also about learning who you are as a person, what works for you, how you grow and what you need in life to succeed. Again, something should strive to do. But here’s where the problem starts. 

When you start to focus on yourself, it becomes terrible easy to push everyone out the way. Why? Well, quite simply, they literally get in the way. The less people in your life, the more energy you can spend on cultivating your own talents and ideas. The result? Friends pushed away, families feelings unloved and you, on an incredible high until the inevitable lonely low hits. 

When you start to obsess over not relying on another person, you begin to reject any form of help. I’ll be the first one to tell you, being independent does not mean getting places by yourself, it means not relying on it. When you begin to refuse opportunities and ideas put your way, you’re only isolating and putting a cap on what you’ll be able to do. And then when you feel like everyone is only out there to hold you back, to change your game plan, it’s going to hit you again.

And when you begin to learn who you are as a person, without other people, you thrive. You learn so much about yourself that you would have never discovered when people persuaded, or manipulated by another ones thoughts and feelings. But this can make you fearful of others. And you can begin to fear letting other people know you as you know yourself now incase they try to change you. And what does this result in again? Shutting them off, blocking them out and leaving yourself… alone. 

I’m not here writing to try and put any Becky off focusing on their independence- if anything- I’m trying to do the exact opposite. But I’m here to tell you that although a Becky’s life may seem all glitz and glamour and bad and boujee, it’s because that Becky may have got real good at the fake it till you make it game. Although some Becky’s may be able to chase their independence without loneliness even entering the picture, I’m here to give a HOYAAAS to the ones that will. And to say that it’s okay. Even more than it being okay, it’s normal and natural. 

So Becky’s, if you find your crown slipping, don’t be scared. Read this, regroup, and rethink it all. Back track where you’ve cut people off, where you’ve become negative and learn from it. Be grateful for the experience and MOVE ON.

Empire’s aren’t built in a day, or even in a year. And sometimes, plans change and you want to redesign the whole suite- and that’s OKAY. Just keep going. 

xoxo Becky

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